Fear and Resistance

My parents told the story throughout my life that when I was two years old and asked the inevitable, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I invariably answered, "I'd like to be an author." No princess fairy queen ballerina for me!

I'm 43 now and have had no clear vision, purpose, meaning for my life for as long as I can remember. Somewhere after leaving the precocious toddler stage, my life became ruled by other things. Fear, resistance, excuses, the need for money and security all joined forces to squelch that early clarity. I rarely write, except in a work context, and when I do write for pleasure, I never finish what I start.

I have been reading Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life by Gregg Levoy and at about 3am this morning, waded through the section on Synchronicity - meaningful coincidences - before finally drifting off to sleep. I awake (late & lazy), get on the computer to begin my daily job search and to skim the entertainment on various parts of Craigslist (my preferred method of procrastination and distraction from what I SHOULD be doing these days). The first headline that catches my eye: Lose Weight by Writing. Have you noticed the date? January 9. I am a woman, ergo, I have a New Year's resolution to lose weight. Hmmmmm, lose weight by writing......

I finish my morning perusal of Rants & Raves and take off for my regular "I'm unemployed and killing time" errands: Cheap gas & cigarettes at Costco and a visit to the bookstore. An acquaintance has recommended a novel by an author whose last name begins with 'Y' so I'm way at the end of the fiction area and sitting on the shelf directly in front of the book I am seeking are two books stacked. Someone apparently picked them up from the next section (all the books on getting published, becoming a writer, releasing your creativity - a section where I studiously never go) and this unknown person has changed their mind and set them right here in front of the book I am seeking.

You Know You're a Writer When.... by Adair Lara

The 3am Epiphany: Uncommon Writing Exercises that Transform your Fiction by Brian Kiteley

Synchronicity. It's all a little woo woo for me, but..... OK, yes, I'm a smart woman, but sometimes I do need to be hit over the head.

So here I am. You can consider this a New Year's resolution as well, I guess. That I will do my best to write something -- ANYTHING -- every day. Maybe some days I'll do specific writing exercises, maybe some days I'll write about my life, maybe some days I'll only manage a sentence (something along the lines of "Fuck, I don't want to write today" I imagine).

Why a blog and not a secret writing journal? Well, it's just too easy to cheat and be lazy if it's secret. I'm approaching it like other resolutions, like losing weight or quitting smoking. I'm doing it for myself, because I need to do it, but I need a support system to keep me honest. So, I will tell a few key friends and they will come visit this site - it doesn't really matter if they read the postings or if they like the postings (or dare I say, think my postings are small droplets of absolute brilliance). The point is they will bug the shit out of me if I'm getting lazy or fearful or resistant and not posting.

Is it my calling to be a writer? Who the hell knows? All I know is that it can't possibly be a bigger waste of time then reading Rants & Raves compulsively for two hours every morning.